Am I doing something wrong? Thoughts on the New Wine Europe Summer Conference

A day after coming back from the New Wine Europe Summer Conference, it's time to write out my thoughts. So, here we go...

Overall, I had a good time. In enjoyed being part of the youth team, even though I was a bit worried about how it would go. We had a bigger group than last year and a smaller team. The Scottish lads, who were such a big part of the experience for many of the youth weren't there this year. But all in all, in actually went very well. The youth clearly enjoyed the programme and seemed to be engaged and learning from it. One thing I did miss was more time for prayer and worship. Last year, we hardly had anything planned before the conference started, and that meant we often had time left to pray for people. This year, I think we might have overplanned and as we were also responsible for some of the after-programme entertainment in the evening, this meant there was hardly time to pray for people. I remember that when I went to youth camps myself, some of the most valuable times for me were when I could sit down with a leader and talk about stuff and be prayed for. I did offer the people in my group to sit down to chat with them and pray for them, but I didn't get round to speak to all of them.

But, despite that I had a good time at the youth venue, I'm not completely sure I enjoyed my time outside the youth programme. Being the sort of person I am, introverted, weak in social interaction, I found the afternoons, which are free, very difficult to fill, especially since I was alone there. Officially, for the last three years, the conference has also been the TCE church camp, but apart from the first year, this hasn't worked out well. In my view, in order to have a church camp as part of a larger conference, you need to have a base where you can go to at any time if you want to meet people from your own church. A place where you know you are welcome and are not interfering in anything. Two years ago, the Davis family did a really good job. They had a big party tent set up in front of their caravan and that was our base. I could go there any time I and know I was welcome there. I didn't have to fear that I was interfering in some private gathering, because if that was the case, they would be meeting by their own tents. But last year and this year, there hasn't been such a base. Yes, we were still all on the same camp site, but there was no TCE base I could go to. People were gathering near their own tents, so you always have to ask if you can sit with them and that also means that they can say 'no'. So, for most of the time during the afternoon, I was simply sitting in the main tent on my own, pretending to be very busy working on my talk, while in reality I wasn't doing anything. The talk I pretended to be working on was written well before the conference started. I just sat there doing nothing. Sometimes I went to buy a cup of tea, so I had at least some interaction with whoever was there, but for most of the time, that was it. I think one of the disadvantages of being part of the youth programme is that you have a fairly limited exposure of the programme and meet less people than you do in the main programme. I just wished that I was more confident in relating and interacting with people. I find it very difficult to walk up to people and ask them if I can join them, because there is always the chance they say 'no'. The youth at New Wine is a very close group of friends and although I have been working with them for 3 years now, I still don't feel that I can join in their activities in the afternoons, as much as I would love to do so. Somehow, I feel it's not right for me to as a 37 year old to interfere with a bunch of 15 year olds in their free afternoon. At least, last year we had a larger team of leaders and they all joined in with the youth, which made it easier for me to join in as well. This year, everybody on the team was either married or in fact still part of the youth themselves. So yeah, I found it hard this year. Harder than previous years. During the talent show, the mother of one of the girls in my group randomly asked me: Do you miss St John? And then I realised that I did miss him. St John was the youth worship leader and I spent a lot of a time with him during the afternoons. He's a great guy and we have similar interests and I believe similar personalities. But he wasn't there this year because he got married a month ago, which means next time he's at New Wine, he will probably have his wife with him. Anyways, I think I'm dragging on now, so time to move on to what I actually wanted to write about.

New Wine is a charismatic conference and as such, there is a big emphasis on the work of the Holy Spirit, prayer for healing, prophecy, tongues and other manifestations of the Spirit. While I don't have a problem with that, at this years conference, it has made me feel inadequate at times, because I didn't experience all that as much as other people seemed to do. To be honest, I didn't feel I experienced any of it. That made me wonder: Am I really saved? Does God really love me? Why don't I experience that level of peace, grace, love, rest, as others do at the conference. Am I really a Christian or am I just going through the motions and pretend I am one? Just to be clear, I do believe in God. I do believe Jesus is His Son and that He died on the cross for my sins and that He rose from the dead. And I do believe in the Holy Spirit. But for me, it's mostly believing with my brain. I don't feel anything. When I hear someone has given their lives to Christ, I am glad, but it's not that my heart is suddenly filled with joy and that I feel the need to jump around a shout hallelujah. When someone has turned their backs Christ and has stopped being a Christian, I am genuinely sad but I don't feel that deep pain and sorrow that others seem to feel. Does that mean that I'm just pretending to be a Christian and that I'm not really saved? That really terrifies me. During the conference, I have been prayed for several times and have been prophesied over a few times. Every time, they prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me up and give me with His peace and His love, but you know what? I didn't feel any more filled up or loved than I did before. Nothing seemed to happen. I've seen people laughing, crying, speaking in tongues, prophesying and falling over, while they were being prayed for, but none of that happened to me. One of the people who prayed for me said afterwards that I had an amazing capacity to receive. That couldn't be further from the truth. However much I try to receive God's love, it just doesn't happen. It's as if something is blocking me from really receiving God in my life. At the last session of the worship leaders stream, one guy prophesied over me that I was precious in God's sight, but I didn't feel precious at all. Then the leader of the seminar prophesied over me and said she saw a huge bucket filled with God's love being poured out over me. I guess there must be a huge puddle of God's love on the wooden floor of the main tent after that prayer, because I didn't get any of that. And I believe that God's love is so great that if even only one tiny drop of that huge bucket of God's love would have penetrated in me, I would have known that. I think I simply don't know how to receive the Holy Spirit. People have prayed for me and I have tried, but whatever I try, I don't seem to be able to receive. Of course, I know that nothing is impossible for God. God is not dependent on my ability to receive and He will find a way to break through, but when and how? A conference like New Wine should build me up as a Christian, but I'm afraid this time, it really made my doubt whether I am actually a Christian who is saved by the blood of Christ, despite believing all the right things.