I had been expecting this phone call for a week now. Last Saturday, I left halfway through the monthly practice of my church's worship team to see my grandma, who was nearing the end of her battle with stomach cancer. I got a call that she was very weak and could go very soon. I went there, spent some time with her to say goodbye and to pray with her. I hung around for a bit and then went home again. I had said goodbye and felt I could let her go now. I was now waiting for the phone call to let me know she's gone.
Fast forward to today. I had just finished work and was at home cooking dinner. I had almost finished cooking, when the phone went again. It was my brother. "You need to come immediately. Granny is about to die. The doctor is here." I finished off cooking, put everything on a plate and in the microwave to keep it warm. Then I got on my bike and rushed to my grandma's place. When I arrived, I went to her bedroom where she was surrounded by her children and grandchildren. I joined them around the bed and took the opportunity to pray for her. 5 minutes later after I arrived, she breathed her last breath and went home to be with Jesus.
It was good to see that she died peacefully and didn't suffer. It is also a great comfort to know that she knows Jesus and trusted in Him for her salvation. I know she is with Him now and enjoying all the good things He has to offer her. I also know that one day, I will join her and sing praises to God with her. In moments like these, it's easy to be sad and mournful and it's appropriate to be sad and mournful. But I'm also thankful. I'm thankful for the 85 years God has given her. I'm thankful for the children she mothered, and her grandchildren and great grandchildren. I am thankful for the 37 years, that she was my grandmother. I am thankful for the good times we shared together, and thankful for what I've learned from the not so good times. There is so much more to be thankful for than there is to be mourning for. Yes, I will be mourning her death, but above all, I will give thanks for, and celebrate her life.
Wednesday 18 November 2015
Wednesday 14 October 2015
Canada 2015 - Day 0
I was planning to write this last night, but by the time I finally found the B&B in Toronto, I was so shattered that I couldn't be bothered anymore. So, that's why I'm here, sitting in the lounge of my B&B at 7.20 in the morning.
So, back to yesterday. I've been looking forward to this trip for a few months now. It's my first proper holiday in many years and my first time on this side of the Atlantic. Normally when I go on a trip, I would start packing about 15 minutes before leaving. My reasoning is that everything I haven't packed within 15 minutes is either not necessary or something I could easily buy there. For this trip, I started packing 3 days in advance. That's how excited I was.
So, after having breakfast and a quick check to see if everything was switched off, I left for the bus to the station and from there to Schiphol Airport. Once arrived at the airport, I was told the flight was delayed by 2 hours, and as I arrived at the airport 3 hours before departure as recommended, I was in for a long wait. Finally, aroung 4.30 pm we were ready to board the plane. The flight was pretty uneventful. The most thrilling part was probably trying to eat dinner without spilling it all over the place. The seats were not exactly of the standard I expected for long haul flights. Trust me, you have wider seats and more legroom on Ryanair. Anyways, 8 hours later we arrived in Toronto. While waiting in line at immigration, I could see that the immigration officer in my line was a pleasant man. He was friendly, greeted everybody cheerfully, smiled a lot and had what seemed to be a nice chat with everybody. That was until it was my turn. His cheery smile disappeared and without saying a word, he grabbed my passport, looked intensely at my face and the photo and then started to interrogate me. Where do you come from? What are you here for? Where are you staying? With who are you staying? What is your friend doing for a job? What are you doing for a job? Does your boss know you're here? Are you going back? When? Finally he stamped my passport and said: "Have a good day, sir. Welcome to Canada". I was finally in. From there, it should be an hour before I got to the B&B. I just needed to take a bus into Toronto and another bus from there, followed by a short walk. Easy. Well, not really. First I had to find the bus station at the airport. There were signs pointing me to the buses, but at some point, those signs just disappeared. There were signs for everything else, but not for buses. When I finally found the bus, it got stuck in traffic. It was 9.30 pm on a Tuesday evening an it was as busy as full peak hour traffic in Europe. We literally moved a few feet per minute. When we finally got to the stop where I had to change, the problems weren't over yet. I was waiting there for the next bus to come, but it didn't. The annoying thing about Toronto bus stops is that none of them have a timetable or show which buses run there. What I also didn't know that when you're talking about something like Yonge and Sheppard, it's not just a bus stop but a junction and every bus stop near that junction is referred to that junction. So, while I was patiently waiting at Yonge and Sheppard for my ongoing bus, I was unaware that just around the corner there was another Yonge and Sheppard bus stop and that's the one I needed. When I finally got on that bus, I had good hopes I would be there soon. And I would have been if the driver didn't ignore my stop calls twice and finally stopped two stops after the one I needed. So now I had to trace back two stops, which wasn't that easy. It was dark and I didn't really pay attention in the bus. And I also get the impression that they don't believe in streetname signs here. But finally, at 11.15 pm (my flight landed at 7.00 pm) I finally arrived at my B&B.
So, back to yesterday. I've been looking forward to this trip for a few months now. It's my first proper holiday in many years and my first time on this side of the Atlantic. Normally when I go on a trip, I would start packing about 15 minutes before leaving. My reasoning is that everything I haven't packed within 15 minutes is either not necessary or something I could easily buy there. For this trip, I started packing 3 days in advance. That's how excited I was.
So, after having breakfast and a quick check to see if everything was switched off, I left for the bus to the station and from there to Schiphol Airport. Once arrived at the airport, I was told the flight was delayed by 2 hours, and as I arrived at the airport 3 hours before departure as recommended, I was in for a long wait. Finally, aroung 4.30 pm we were ready to board the plane. The flight was pretty uneventful. The most thrilling part was probably trying to eat dinner without spilling it all over the place. The seats were not exactly of the standard I expected for long haul flights. Trust me, you have wider seats and more legroom on Ryanair. Anyways, 8 hours later we arrived in Toronto. While waiting in line at immigration, I could see that the immigration officer in my line was a pleasant man. He was friendly, greeted everybody cheerfully, smiled a lot and had what seemed to be a nice chat with everybody. That was until it was my turn. His cheery smile disappeared and without saying a word, he grabbed my passport, looked intensely at my face and the photo and then started to interrogate me. Where do you come from? What are you here for? Where are you staying? With who are you staying? What is your friend doing for a job? What are you doing for a job? Does your boss know you're here? Are you going back? When? Finally he stamped my passport and said: "Have a good day, sir. Welcome to Canada". I was finally in. From there, it should be an hour before I got to the B&B. I just needed to take a bus into Toronto and another bus from there, followed by a short walk. Easy. Well, not really. First I had to find the bus station at the airport. There were signs pointing me to the buses, but at some point, those signs just disappeared. There were signs for everything else, but not for buses. When I finally found the bus, it got stuck in traffic. It was 9.30 pm on a Tuesday evening an it was as busy as full peak hour traffic in Europe. We literally moved a few feet per minute. When we finally got to the stop where I had to change, the problems weren't over yet. I was waiting there for the next bus to come, but it didn't. The annoying thing about Toronto bus stops is that none of them have a timetable or show which buses run there. What I also didn't know that when you're talking about something like Yonge and Sheppard, it's not just a bus stop but a junction and every bus stop near that junction is referred to that junction. So, while I was patiently waiting at Yonge and Sheppard for my ongoing bus, I was unaware that just around the corner there was another Yonge and Sheppard bus stop and that's the one I needed. When I finally got on that bus, I had good hopes I would be there soon. And I would have been if the driver didn't ignore my stop calls twice and finally stopped two stops after the one I needed. So now I had to trace back two stops, which wasn't that easy. It was dark and I didn't really pay attention in the bus. And I also get the impression that they don't believe in streetname signs here. But finally, at 11.15 pm (my flight landed at 7.00 pm) I finally arrived at my B&B.
Monday 14 September 2015
Songwatch: Jesus, I my cross have taken - Indelible Grace (music by Bill Moore)
Time for another instalment in my Songwatch series. As I said in my first post in this series, I'd like to use this opportunity to highlight some of the songs I use in my personal worship time that aren't as widely sung as songs from the usual big names. This time, I'd like to introduce you to a modern rendition of Henry Francis Lyte's "Jesus, I my cross have taken" by Indelible Grace.
Indelible Grace is not so much a label as it is a group of Christian artist who put new tunes to old hymns. I have only in the last few years gained an appreciation for the theological richness of these hymns. What I like about them is that they are biblical and do not shy away from the difficult and painful stuff. 'Jesus, I my cross have taken' is a good example of this.
Jesus, I my cross have taken is a song about the cost of following Jesus, but also about the joy of following Jesus. The first line: "Jesus, I my cross have taken, all to leave and follow Thee" refers to passages such as Luke 9:23, where Jesus says that whoever wants to be His disciple "must deny themselves, take up their cross daily and follow me". Each verse speaks about the cost of discipleship. It speaks about taking up our cross, being despised and left by the world, as Jesus Himself was despised and left. But, it's also a song of hope and joy. The song has 6 verses and each the first 4 verses begin with the cost, which following Jesus involves, but each of these verses end on a high. Take for example the first verse:
"Perish every fond ambition
All I've sought or hoped or known
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven are still my own"
I believe this song is really valuable for the Church today. In today's consumerist society, we tend to fix our attention to all the nice bits, but forget the pain it involves. The Church is sadly following suit. It talks about God's love, grace and forgiveness, but it often fails to teach people about sin and the devastating effects of it. It fails to teach that following Jesus means leaving those selfish sins behind and take up our cross and follow Him. That transition from selfish ambition to follow Jesus is hard and painful. But, the joy of following Jesus goes beyond anything.
The final two verses are in my view the highlight of the song. It describes the joy and reward of being a disciple of Jesus:
Verse 5
"Soul, then know thy full salvation
Rise o'er sin and fear and care
Joy to find in every station,
Something still to do or bear.
Think what Spirit dwells within thee
Think what Father's smiles are thine
Think that Jesus died to win thee
Child of heaven, canst thou repine"
And finally verse 6:
"Haste thee on from grace to glory
Armed by faith, and winged by prayer
Heaven's eternal days before thee
God's own hand shall guide us there
Soon shall close thy earthly mission
Soon shall pass they pilgrim days
Hope shall change to glad fruition
Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.
As a final note, this song is a very ambitious prayer. As sinful humans, we are unable to fully live out this prayer. That's why I find verse 5 so encouraging. "Soul, then know they full salvation" and then the second part of the verse: "Think that Jesus died to win thee. Child of heaven, canst thou repine". Jesus died on the cross to win us. We cannot live out this prayer in our own strength, but Jesus already did that in our place and died in our place for failing.
OK, that's enough talk from me. I'm sure you want to hear the song now, so here it is:
Indelible Grace is not so much a label as it is a group of Christian artist who put new tunes to old hymns. I have only in the last few years gained an appreciation for the theological richness of these hymns. What I like about them is that they are biblical and do not shy away from the difficult and painful stuff. 'Jesus, I my cross have taken' is a good example of this.
Jesus, I my cross have taken is a song about the cost of following Jesus, but also about the joy of following Jesus. The first line: "Jesus, I my cross have taken, all to leave and follow Thee" refers to passages such as Luke 9:23, where Jesus says that whoever wants to be His disciple "must deny themselves, take up their cross daily and follow me". Each verse speaks about the cost of discipleship. It speaks about taking up our cross, being despised and left by the world, as Jesus Himself was despised and left. But, it's also a song of hope and joy. The song has 6 verses and each the first 4 verses begin with the cost, which following Jesus involves, but each of these verses end on a high. Take for example the first verse:
"Perish every fond ambition
All I've sought or hoped or known
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven are still my own"
I believe this song is really valuable for the Church today. In today's consumerist society, we tend to fix our attention to all the nice bits, but forget the pain it involves. The Church is sadly following suit. It talks about God's love, grace and forgiveness, but it often fails to teach people about sin and the devastating effects of it. It fails to teach that following Jesus means leaving those selfish sins behind and take up our cross and follow Him. That transition from selfish ambition to follow Jesus is hard and painful. But, the joy of following Jesus goes beyond anything.
The final two verses are in my view the highlight of the song. It describes the joy and reward of being a disciple of Jesus:
Verse 5
"Soul, then know thy full salvation
Rise o'er sin and fear and care
Joy to find in every station,
Something still to do or bear.
Think what Spirit dwells within thee
Think what Father's smiles are thine
Think that Jesus died to win thee
Child of heaven, canst thou repine"
And finally verse 6:
"Haste thee on from grace to glory
Armed by faith, and winged by prayer
Heaven's eternal days before thee
God's own hand shall guide us there
Soon shall close thy earthly mission
Soon shall pass they pilgrim days
Hope shall change to glad fruition
Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.
As a final note, this song is a very ambitious prayer. As sinful humans, we are unable to fully live out this prayer. That's why I find verse 5 so encouraging. "Soul, then know they full salvation" and then the second part of the verse: "Think that Jesus died to win thee. Child of heaven, canst thou repine". Jesus died on the cross to win us. We cannot live out this prayer in our own strength, but Jesus already did that in our place and died in our place for failing.
OK, that's enough talk from me. I'm sure you want to hear the song now, so here it is:
Wednesday 9 September 2015
Songwatch: Shine into our night - Sovereign Grace
As a worship leader at my church, one of the things I like to do is look out for new songs. Of course I follow the usual household names like Chris Tomlin, Tim Hughes, Matt Redman, and big labels like Hillsong, Bethel, Soul Survivor, etc, but I'm also interested in the smaller, less well known labels: Indelible Grace, Red Mountain, Sovereign Grace, Page CXVI and things like that. They don't get as much attention as the larger names, at least not on this side of the Atlantic, but they have some really good stuff that I think is well worth including in our worship repertoire. So, I thought I would use this blog to introduce some of these songs and hopefully people will pick up some of these songs and use them either in their own churches or at home. I know that with an average of about 60 readers, this blog doesn't have the largest of audiences, but hey, you might be worship leader yourself, looking for some new songs to introduce to your church...
This time, I'd like to introduce "Shine into our night" by Sovereign Grace. Sovereign Grace is a name that may not be very well known here, but most of you will know "Before the throne of God above", which also comes from them. I learned this song a couple of months ago during the WorshipGodUK conference in Bath and I have since then used it regularly in my own personal quiet times as a song of confession. The first verse describes our sinful nature before God. It's a confession that we are not what God intended us to be. We are created in the image of God, but that image has been stained by sin:
"We are not what we should be
We haven't sought what we should seek
We've seen your glory Lord, but looked away
Our hearts are bent, our eyes our dim
Our finest works are stained with sin
And emptiness has shadowed all our ways"
The chorus that follows is an awesome prayer for God to shine into that darkness of our sin and let his glory fills our eyes
"Jesus Christ, shine into our night
Drive our dark away till your glory fills our eyes
Jesus Christ, shine into our night
Bind us to your cross, where we find life"
It always amazes me how generous God is in forgiving. Whatever we've done, we can always come back to God. This is what the second verse says:
"Still we often go astray
We chase the world, forget your grace
But You have never failed to bring us back
Reveal the depth of what You've done
The death You died, the victory won
You've made a way for us to know your love"
I find this really comforting, knowing that God never fails to bring me back to Him. As I said, this song has become one of my regulars when I'm spending time with God and especially in the context of confession. I just love the chorus, because it's such a beautiful prayer to ask God to shine into our night.
So, without further ado, here's a youtube clip of that song. Enjoy.
This time, I'd like to introduce "Shine into our night" by Sovereign Grace. Sovereign Grace is a name that may not be very well known here, but most of you will know "Before the throne of God above", which also comes from them. I learned this song a couple of months ago during the WorshipGodUK conference in Bath and I have since then used it regularly in my own personal quiet times as a song of confession. The first verse describes our sinful nature before God. It's a confession that we are not what God intended us to be. We are created in the image of God, but that image has been stained by sin:
"We are not what we should be
We haven't sought what we should seek
We've seen your glory Lord, but looked away
Our hearts are bent, our eyes our dim
Our finest works are stained with sin
And emptiness has shadowed all our ways"
The chorus that follows is an awesome prayer for God to shine into that darkness of our sin and let his glory fills our eyes
"Jesus Christ, shine into our night
Drive our dark away till your glory fills our eyes
Jesus Christ, shine into our night
Bind us to your cross, where we find life"
It always amazes me how generous God is in forgiving. Whatever we've done, we can always come back to God. This is what the second verse says:
"Still we often go astray
We chase the world, forget your grace
But You have never failed to bring us back
Reveal the depth of what You've done
The death You died, the victory won
You've made a way for us to know your love"
I find this really comforting, knowing that God never fails to bring me back to Him. As I said, this song has become one of my regulars when I'm spending time with God and especially in the context of confession. I just love the chorus, because it's such a beautiful prayer to ask God to shine into our night.
So, without further ado, here's a youtube clip of that song. Enjoy.
Monday 31 August 2015
An amazing time with God.
As I'm writing this, I've just had an amazing time with God. No, it was not at church or with friends and I haven't just come back from some amazing Christian conference. No, it was just me and God in my lounge.
I have to confess something. I'm pretty rubbish when it comes to prayer and Bible reading. I can go through months without actually opening my Bible for private Bible reading. Yes, I will read the Bible when preparing for my youth group or preparing to lead worship in church, but that's all. My prayers are usually limited to "Thank you Lord for this day. Amen" and then go to sleep. It's not that I don't want to, but somehow, something is keeping me from spending time with God.
But tonight, I somehow felt it was time to spend time with God. I wasn't planning on it at all. I was just watching TV. I just finished watching an episode of the Great British Menu and was flipping through some channels to see what was on, when I suddenly got the urge to just turn off the TV and open my Bible and read. I have a Bible in a year schedule, which I printed off at the beginning of the year. I think I got stuck at 6 January, so now I'm just picking it up at 1 September. I started with a simple prayer asking God to open my eyes and ears to His Word and help me understand it and then read it. After reading it, I picked up my guitar and started worshipping. I just went through some songs that remind me of who Jesus is and what He's done for me. I then put my guitar down and starting praying. I wasn't praying for anything in particular. I just wanted to thank God for everything He's done for me and ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me. And you know, for the first time in probably years, I really sensed God's presence. I walked around me room praising God, went down on my knees in submission to the King of all kings (something I never do) and lied down on my couch, just enjoying God's presence. After that, I picked up my guitar again and started strumming some random chords and just started to sing the amazing truths about God, how He sent his Son Jesus to die for my sins and rose from the dead. How His peace, that passes all understanding will guard my heart and mind in Jesus. How His grace is enough and that His power is revealed in my weakness.
If it sounds like I'm boasting myself and how spiritual I am, I'm not. I'm boasting about Jesus. I wasn't planning on doing this tonight. If it was up to me, I would have kept on watching TV. I just felt an urge to spend time with God and I'm glad I did. As you've read in my previous blog, I came home from New Wine a bit disappointed, as I haven't felt God there as I hoped. Yes, I know He was there and was at work in me, but I didn't feel Him. I was also reminded that feelings can mislead you. I know for a fact that God loves me and Jesus died on the cross for me. My salvation is completely external from my emotions. It's based on Jesus dying on the cross and His resurrection and my feelings won't change that. But tonight, after spending this time with God, reading the Bible, praying and worshipping, I really feel refreshed.
I've learnt that God does things in his own time. I expected this to happen at New Wine. In my opinion, everything was there to give me an amazing experience of God's love and power. There were loads of people praying for me, but I didn't feel anything. I didn't experience God's presence. But tonight I did. At home, on my own. Just me and God. I think we had a great time together. I'm looking forward to our next appointment. (Just kidding, I'm His child. I don't need an appointment.)
I have to confess something. I'm pretty rubbish when it comes to prayer and Bible reading. I can go through months without actually opening my Bible for private Bible reading. Yes, I will read the Bible when preparing for my youth group or preparing to lead worship in church, but that's all. My prayers are usually limited to "Thank you Lord for this day. Amen" and then go to sleep. It's not that I don't want to, but somehow, something is keeping me from spending time with God.
But tonight, I somehow felt it was time to spend time with God. I wasn't planning on it at all. I was just watching TV. I just finished watching an episode of the Great British Menu and was flipping through some channels to see what was on, when I suddenly got the urge to just turn off the TV and open my Bible and read. I have a Bible in a year schedule, which I printed off at the beginning of the year. I think I got stuck at 6 January, so now I'm just picking it up at 1 September. I started with a simple prayer asking God to open my eyes and ears to His Word and help me understand it and then read it. After reading it, I picked up my guitar and started worshipping. I just went through some songs that remind me of who Jesus is and what He's done for me. I then put my guitar down and starting praying. I wasn't praying for anything in particular. I just wanted to thank God for everything He's done for me and ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me. And you know, for the first time in probably years, I really sensed God's presence. I walked around me room praising God, went down on my knees in submission to the King of all kings (something I never do) and lied down on my couch, just enjoying God's presence. After that, I picked up my guitar again and started strumming some random chords and just started to sing the amazing truths about God, how He sent his Son Jesus to die for my sins and rose from the dead. How His peace, that passes all understanding will guard my heart and mind in Jesus. How His grace is enough and that His power is revealed in my weakness.
If it sounds like I'm boasting myself and how spiritual I am, I'm not. I'm boasting about Jesus. I wasn't planning on doing this tonight. If it was up to me, I would have kept on watching TV. I just felt an urge to spend time with God and I'm glad I did. As you've read in my previous blog, I came home from New Wine a bit disappointed, as I haven't felt God there as I hoped. Yes, I know He was there and was at work in me, but I didn't feel Him. I was also reminded that feelings can mislead you. I know for a fact that God loves me and Jesus died on the cross for me. My salvation is completely external from my emotions. It's based on Jesus dying on the cross and His resurrection and my feelings won't change that. But tonight, after spending this time with God, reading the Bible, praying and worshipping, I really feel refreshed.
I've learnt that God does things in his own time. I expected this to happen at New Wine. In my opinion, everything was there to give me an amazing experience of God's love and power. There were loads of people praying for me, but I didn't feel anything. I didn't experience God's presence. But tonight I did. At home, on my own. Just me and God. I think we had a great time together. I'm looking forward to our next appointment. (Just kidding, I'm His child. I don't need an appointment.)
Saturday 15 August 2015
He will hold me fast
First of all, thank you so much for the comments I've received on my last blog post. They were really encouraging. It's so good to be reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness, and it's something I need to remind myself of day after day. The amazing truth is that my salvation does not depend on how much I'm able to feel God's presence in me. It depends on what Jesus has done on the cross. And no matter how weak my faith may be, however far away I feel He is, one thing is for sure: He will not let me go.
A song that really spoke to me in the past few days, and actually one of my favourite songs at the moment is 'He will hold me fast'. I learnt this song a few months ago at a conference in Bath. It's a modern version of a hymn by Ada R. Habershon from the beginning of the 20th century. This version originates from Capitol Hill Baptist Church in Washington DC. The words really speak into what I was experiencing last week at New Wine. The first verse is just so reassuring:
"When I fear my faith will fail
Christ will hold me fast
When the tempter would prevail
He will hold me fast
I could never keep my hold
Through life's fearful path
For my love is often cold
He must hold me fast"
Last week, I was really worried my faith was failing, that I could not keep my hold and my love is definitely often cold. But praise God that He will hold me fast. The chorus is simple, but yet so strong:
"He will hold me fast
He will hold me fast
For my Saviour loves me so
He will hold me fast"
And what really spoke to me in the second verse was the second half:
"He'll not let my soul be lost
His promises shall last
Bought by Him at such a cost
He will hold me fast"
Here's a youtube link to the song:
I think it's a real shame it's not that well known around here. I really think this song would be a great addition to any church repertoire and I really believe it speaks into the experience of many Christians. We all have doubts from time to time. We are all fallible human beings who sometimes can wonder whether our faith is real. But then there is the amazing truth that Christ will hold us fast. Praise God!
A song that really spoke to me in the past few days, and actually one of my favourite songs at the moment is 'He will hold me fast'. I learnt this song a few months ago at a conference in Bath. It's a modern version of a hymn by Ada R. Habershon from the beginning of the 20th century. This version originates from Capitol Hill Baptist Church in Washington DC. The words really speak into what I was experiencing last week at New Wine. The first verse is just so reassuring:
"When I fear my faith will fail
Christ will hold me fast
When the tempter would prevail
He will hold me fast
I could never keep my hold
Through life's fearful path
For my love is often cold
He must hold me fast"
Last week, I was really worried my faith was failing, that I could not keep my hold and my love is definitely often cold. But praise God that He will hold me fast. The chorus is simple, but yet so strong:
"He will hold me fast
He will hold me fast
For my Saviour loves me so
He will hold me fast"
And what really spoke to me in the second verse was the second half:
"He'll not let my soul be lost
His promises shall last
Bought by Him at such a cost
He will hold me fast"
Here's a youtube link to the song:
I think it's a real shame it's not that well known around here. I really think this song would be a great addition to any church repertoire and I really believe it speaks into the experience of many Christians. We all have doubts from time to time. We are all fallible human beings who sometimes can wonder whether our faith is real. But then there is the amazing truth that Christ will hold us fast. Praise God!
Thursday 13 August 2015
Am I doing something wrong? Thoughts on the New Wine Europe Summer Conference
A day after coming back from the New Wine Europe Summer Conference, it's time to write out my thoughts. So, here we go...
Overall, I had a good time. In enjoyed being part of the youth team, even though I was a bit worried about how it would go. We had a bigger group than last year and a smaller team. The Scottish lads, who were such a big part of the experience for many of the youth weren't there this year. But all in all, in actually went very well. The youth clearly enjoyed the programme and seemed to be engaged and learning from it. One thing I did miss was more time for prayer and worship. Last year, we hardly had anything planned before the conference started, and that meant we often had time left to pray for people. This year, I think we might have overplanned and as we were also responsible for some of the after-programme entertainment in the evening, this meant there was hardly time to pray for people. I remember that when I went to youth camps myself, some of the most valuable times for me were when I could sit down with a leader and talk about stuff and be prayed for. I did offer the people in my group to sit down to chat with them and pray for them, but I didn't get round to speak to all of them.
But, despite that I had a good time at the youth venue, I'm not completely sure I enjoyed my time outside the youth programme. Being the sort of person I am, introverted, weak in social interaction, I found the afternoons, which are free, very difficult to fill, especially since I was alone there. Officially, for the last three years, the conference has also been the TCE church camp, but apart from the first year, this hasn't worked out well. In my view, in order to have a church camp as part of a larger conference, you need to have a base where you can go to at any time if you want to meet people from your own church. A place where you know you are welcome and are not interfering in anything. Two years ago, the Davis family did a really good job. They had a big party tent set up in front of their caravan and that was our base. I could go there any time I and know I was welcome there. I didn't have to fear that I was interfering in some private gathering, because if that was the case, they would be meeting by their own tents. But last year and this year, there hasn't been such a base. Yes, we were still all on the same camp site, but there was no TCE base I could go to. People were gathering near their own tents, so you always have to ask if you can sit with them and that also means that they can say 'no'. So, for most of the time during the afternoon, I was simply sitting in the main tent on my own, pretending to be very busy working on my talk, while in reality I wasn't doing anything. The talk I pretended to be working on was written well before the conference started. I just sat there doing nothing. Sometimes I went to buy a cup of tea, so I had at least some interaction with whoever was there, but for most of the time, that was it. I think one of the disadvantages of being part of the youth programme is that you have a fairly limited exposure of the programme and meet less people than you do in the main programme. I just wished that I was more confident in relating and interacting with people. I find it very difficult to walk up to people and ask them if I can join them, because there is always the chance they say 'no'. The youth at New Wine is a very close group of friends and although I have been working with them for 3 years now, I still don't feel that I can join in their activities in the afternoons, as much as I would love to do so. Somehow, I feel it's not right for me to as a 37 year old to interfere with a bunch of 15 year olds in their free afternoon. At least, last year we had a larger team of leaders and they all joined in with the youth, which made it easier for me to join in as well. This year, everybody on the team was either married or in fact still part of the youth themselves. So yeah, I found it hard this year. Harder than previous years. During the talent show, the mother of one of the girls in my group randomly asked me: Do you miss St John? And then I realised that I did miss him. St John was the youth worship leader and I spent a lot of a time with him during the afternoons. He's a great guy and we have similar interests and I believe similar personalities. But he wasn't there this year because he got married a month ago, which means next time he's at New Wine, he will probably have his wife with him. Anyways, I think I'm dragging on now, so time to move on to what I actually wanted to write about.
New Wine is a charismatic conference and as such, there is a big emphasis on the work of the Holy Spirit, prayer for healing, prophecy, tongues and other manifestations of the Spirit. While I don't have a problem with that, at this years conference, it has made me feel inadequate at times, because I didn't experience all that as much as other people seemed to do. To be honest, I didn't feel I experienced any of it. That made me wonder: Am I really saved? Does God really love me? Why don't I experience that level of peace, grace, love, rest, as others do at the conference. Am I really a Christian or am I just going through the motions and pretend I am one? Just to be clear, I do believe in God. I do believe Jesus is His Son and that He died on the cross for my sins and that He rose from the dead. And I do believe in the Holy Spirit. But for me, it's mostly believing with my brain. I don't feel anything. When I hear someone has given their lives to Christ, I am glad, but it's not that my heart is suddenly filled with joy and that I feel the need to jump around a shout hallelujah. When someone has turned their backs Christ and has stopped being a Christian, I am genuinely sad but I don't feel that deep pain and sorrow that others seem to feel. Does that mean that I'm just pretending to be a Christian and that I'm not really saved? That really terrifies me. During the conference, I have been prayed for several times and have been prophesied over a few times. Every time, they prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me up and give me with His peace and His love, but you know what? I didn't feel any more filled up or loved than I did before. Nothing seemed to happen. I've seen people laughing, crying, speaking in tongues, prophesying and falling over, while they were being prayed for, but none of that happened to me. One of the people who prayed for me said afterwards that I had an amazing capacity to receive. That couldn't be further from the truth. However much I try to receive God's love, it just doesn't happen. It's as if something is blocking me from really receiving God in my life. At the last session of the worship leaders stream, one guy prophesied over me that I was precious in God's sight, but I didn't feel precious at all. Then the leader of the seminar prophesied over me and said she saw a huge bucket filled with God's love being poured out over me. I guess there must be a huge puddle of God's love on the wooden floor of the main tent after that prayer, because I didn't get any of that. And I believe that God's love is so great that if even only one tiny drop of that huge bucket of God's love would have penetrated in me, I would have known that. I think I simply don't know how to receive the Holy Spirit. People have prayed for me and I have tried, but whatever I try, I don't seem to be able to receive. Of course, I know that nothing is impossible for God. God is not dependent on my ability to receive and He will find a way to break through, but when and how? A conference like New Wine should build me up as a Christian, but I'm afraid this time, it really made my doubt whether I am actually a Christian who is saved by the blood of Christ, despite believing all the right things.
Overall, I had a good time. In enjoyed being part of the youth team, even though I was a bit worried about how it would go. We had a bigger group than last year and a smaller team. The Scottish lads, who were such a big part of the experience for many of the youth weren't there this year. But all in all, in actually went very well. The youth clearly enjoyed the programme and seemed to be engaged and learning from it. One thing I did miss was more time for prayer and worship. Last year, we hardly had anything planned before the conference started, and that meant we often had time left to pray for people. This year, I think we might have overplanned and as we were also responsible for some of the after-programme entertainment in the evening, this meant there was hardly time to pray for people. I remember that when I went to youth camps myself, some of the most valuable times for me were when I could sit down with a leader and talk about stuff and be prayed for. I did offer the people in my group to sit down to chat with them and pray for them, but I didn't get round to speak to all of them.
But, despite that I had a good time at the youth venue, I'm not completely sure I enjoyed my time outside the youth programme. Being the sort of person I am, introverted, weak in social interaction, I found the afternoons, which are free, very difficult to fill, especially since I was alone there. Officially, for the last three years, the conference has also been the TCE church camp, but apart from the first year, this hasn't worked out well. In my view, in order to have a church camp as part of a larger conference, you need to have a base where you can go to at any time if you want to meet people from your own church. A place where you know you are welcome and are not interfering in anything. Two years ago, the Davis family did a really good job. They had a big party tent set up in front of their caravan and that was our base. I could go there any time I and know I was welcome there. I didn't have to fear that I was interfering in some private gathering, because if that was the case, they would be meeting by their own tents. But last year and this year, there hasn't been such a base. Yes, we were still all on the same camp site, but there was no TCE base I could go to. People were gathering near their own tents, so you always have to ask if you can sit with them and that also means that they can say 'no'. So, for most of the time during the afternoon, I was simply sitting in the main tent on my own, pretending to be very busy working on my talk, while in reality I wasn't doing anything. The talk I pretended to be working on was written well before the conference started. I just sat there doing nothing. Sometimes I went to buy a cup of tea, so I had at least some interaction with whoever was there, but for most of the time, that was it. I think one of the disadvantages of being part of the youth programme is that you have a fairly limited exposure of the programme and meet less people than you do in the main programme. I just wished that I was more confident in relating and interacting with people. I find it very difficult to walk up to people and ask them if I can join them, because there is always the chance they say 'no'. The youth at New Wine is a very close group of friends and although I have been working with them for 3 years now, I still don't feel that I can join in their activities in the afternoons, as much as I would love to do so. Somehow, I feel it's not right for me to as a 37 year old to interfere with a bunch of 15 year olds in their free afternoon. At least, last year we had a larger team of leaders and they all joined in with the youth, which made it easier for me to join in as well. This year, everybody on the team was either married or in fact still part of the youth themselves. So yeah, I found it hard this year. Harder than previous years. During the talent show, the mother of one of the girls in my group randomly asked me: Do you miss St John? And then I realised that I did miss him. St John was the youth worship leader and I spent a lot of a time with him during the afternoons. He's a great guy and we have similar interests and I believe similar personalities. But he wasn't there this year because he got married a month ago, which means next time he's at New Wine, he will probably have his wife with him. Anyways, I think I'm dragging on now, so time to move on to what I actually wanted to write about.
New Wine is a charismatic conference and as such, there is a big emphasis on the work of the Holy Spirit, prayer for healing, prophecy, tongues and other manifestations of the Spirit. While I don't have a problem with that, at this years conference, it has made me feel inadequate at times, because I didn't experience all that as much as other people seemed to do. To be honest, I didn't feel I experienced any of it. That made me wonder: Am I really saved? Does God really love me? Why don't I experience that level of peace, grace, love, rest, as others do at the conference. Am I really a Christian or am I just going through the motions and pretend I am one? Just to be clear, I do believe in God. I do believe Jesus is His Son and that He died on the cross for my sins and that He rose from the dead. And I do believe in the Holy Spirit. But for me, it's mostly believing with my brain. I don't feel anything. When I hear someone has given their lives to Christ, I am glad, but it's not that my heart is suddenly filled with joy and that I feel the need to jump around a shout hallelujah. When someone has turned their backs Christ and has stopped being a Christian, I am genuinely sad but I don't feel that deep pain and sorrow that others seem to feel. Does that mean that I'm just pretending to be a Christian and that I'm not really saved? That really terrifies me. During the conference, I have been prayed for several times and have been prophesied over a few times. Every time, they prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me up and give me with His peace and His love, but you know what? I didn't feel any more filled up or loved than I did before. Nothing seemed to happen. I've seen people laughing, crying, speaking in tongues, prophesying and falling over, while they were being prayed for, but none of that happened to me. One of the people who prayed for me said afterwards that I had an amazing capacity to receive. That couldn't be further from the truth. However much I try to receive God's love, it just doesn't happen. It's as if something is blocking me from really receiving God in my life. At the last session of the worship leaders stream, one guy prophesied over me that I was precious in God's sight, but I didn't feel precious at all. Then the leader of the seminar prophesied over me and said she saw a huge bucket filled with God's love being poured out over me. I guess there must be a huge puddle of God's love on the wooden floor of the main tent after that prayer, because I didn't get any of that. And I believe that God's love is so great that if even only one tiny drop of that huge bucket of God's love would have penetrated in me, I would have known that. I think I simply don't know how to receive the Holy Spirit. People have prayed for me and I have tried, but whatever I try, I don't seem to be able to receive. Of course, I know that nothing is impossible for God. God is not dependent on my ability to receive and He will find a way to break through, but when and how? A conference like New Wine should build me up as a Christian, but I'm afraid this time, it really made my doubt whether I am actually a Christian who is saved by the blood of Christ, despite believing all the right things.
Saturday 18 July 2015
HelloFresh: A new experiment
I'll start this post by admitting something. I'm pretty much useless when it comes to cooking dinner. My repertoire is limited to pasta with pesto, either with minced beef or chicken, spag bol and pasta carbonara. Apart from that, I can shove a pizza in the oven and I can confidently find my way to a selection of takeaways in my neighbourhood. So, not a very healthy or varied diet by standard. To bring some more variation and healthy stuff in my diet, I decided to try out a foodbox from HelloFresh. The idea is simple: Every week, you get a box with ingredients for 3 or 5 main meals. Each meal comes with a recipe, that is easy to follow and ready within 30 minutes.
This morning, I received my first box and here's what's in it:
Today's dish was a fillet of plaice with potatoes and a salad of green beans. Here is what it is supposed to look like.
After getting all the ingredients out, I started preparing the dish by following the recipe provided. The first step was the bring water to the boil. That part provided no problem whatsoever. While the water was in the kettle, I washed the potatoes, which was also pretty easy. The recipe then told me to cut the potatoes in quarters (although I cut the 2 bigger ones in eight pieces), and to fry them in a covered frying pan for 25 minutes with a sprig of thyme and salt and pepper to taste. This left me with a bit of a problem. Am I supposed to just leave it there for 25 minutes, and probably let it burn, or am I supposed to stir from time to time? Just to be safe, I chose to stir from time to time.
In the meantime, I cut off the ends of the green beans and cooked them in the water I just boiled. Pretty straightforward. Then it was time to prepare the dressing for the salad and a sauce of Turkish yoghurt. The dressing was a mixture of extra virgin olive oil, white wine vinegar, honey, mustard and salt and pepper to taste. The yoghurt sauce was a mixture of Turkish yoghurt, mustard and salt and pepper.
With that done, I had to wait for the potatoes to be cooked as I needed the frying pan for the next step. After the potatoes were ready, I quickly rinsed the frying pan ready for the next step, roasting the sunflower seeds. With that done, it was time for the plaice. This bit didn't go too well. I followed the instructions to the letter. I heated half a tablespoon of olive oil in the pan and gently placed the fillet of plaice in it. I left it there to fry for 2 minutes and then turn in around for another two minutes. At least, that was the plan. Instead, as soon as I placed the fish in the frying pan, it immediately stuck itself to my non-stick frying and remained stuck there. After two minutes, when I was supposed to turn it, it was still stuck. I scraped whatever was left of the fish and tried to cooked that, ending up with something that can best be described as scrambled fish.
With that done, it was time to bring everything together. I finished off the salad by adding a salad mix to the green beans and the dressing. This was put on plate along with the potatoes, the plaice and garnished with the roasted sunflower seeds and the yoghurt sauce. The end result looked like this:
To explain, the green bean salad's on the left and the potatoes on the right. The unidentifiable white blob in the middle is what's left of the plaice. So, how did it taste? To start off with, I don't like fish, unless it's covered in batter, deep fried and served with chips, so this was already a bit of a challenge for my taste buds. The potatoes were pretty okay. The yoghurt sauce was a bit on the sour side for my liking, but still edible. The plaice was pretty much tasteless, as I forgot to season it. The salad was actually pretty good. The dressing gave a good taste to it and the roasted sunflower seeds gave it a bit of crunch, which was nice. All in all it was on okay meal. It probably would have been better if the fish didn't go wrong and I seasoned it properly.
Tomorrow's dish is turkey gyros in Lebanese flatbread with Turkish yoghurt and rettich salad. Sounds pretty okay to me, even though I never had rettich before. So, see you tomorrow for another episode of my experiment.
This morning, I received my first box and here's what's in it:
Today's dish was a fillet of plaice with potatoes and a salad of green beans. Here is what it is supposed to look like.
After getting all the ingredients out, I started preparing the dish by following the recipe provided. The first step was the bring water to the boil. That part provided no problem whatsoever. While the water was in the kettle, I washed the potatoes, which was also pretty easy. The recipe then told me to cut the potatoes in quarters (although I cut the 2 bigger ones in eight pieces), and to fry them in a covered frying pan for 25 minutes with a sprig of thyme and salt and pepper to taste. This left me with a bit of a problem. Am I supposed to just leave it there for 25 minutes, and probably let it burn, or am I supposed to stir from time to time? Just to be safe, I chose to stir from time to time.
In the meantime, I cut off the ends of the green beans and cooked them in the water I just boiled. Pretty straightforward. Then it was time to prepare the dressing for the salad and a sauce of Turkish yoghurt. The dressing was a mixture of extra virgin olive oil, white wine vinegar, honey, mustard and salt and pepper to taste. The yoghurt sauce was a mixture of Turkish yoghurt, mustard and salt and pepper.
With that done, I had to wait for the potatoes to be cooked as I needed the frying pan for the next step. After the potatoes were ready, I quickly rinsed the frying pan ready for the next step, roasting the sunflower seeds. With that done, it was time for the plaice. This bit didn't go too well. I followed the instructions to the letter. I heated half a tablespoon of olive oil in the pan and gently placed the fillet of plaice in it. I left it there to fry for 2 minutes and then turn in around for another two minutes. At least, that was the plan. Instead, as soon as I placed the fish in the frying pan, it immediately stuck itself to my non-stick frying and remained stuck there. After two minutes, when I was supposed to turn it, it was still stuck. I scraped whatever was left of the fish and tried to cooked that, ending up with something that can best be described as scrambled fish.
With that done, it was time to bring everything together. I finished off the salad by adding a salad mix to the green beans and the dressing. This was put on plate along with the potatoes, the plaice and garnished with the roasted sunflower seeds and the yoghurt sauce. The end result looked like this:
To explain, the green bean salad's on the left and the potatoes on the right. The unidentifiable white blob in the middle is what's left of the plaice. So, how did it taste? To start off with, I don't like fish, unless it's covered in batter, deep fried and served with chips, so this was already a bit of a challenge for my taste buds. The potatoes were pretty okay. The yoghurt sauce was a bit on the sour side for my liking, but still edible. The plaice was pretty much tasteless, as I forgot to season it. The salad was actually pretty good. The dressing gave a good taste to it and the roasted sunflower seeds gave it a bit of crunch, which was nice. All in all it was on okay meal. It probably would have been better if the fish didn't go wrong and I seasoned it properly.
Tomorrow's dish is turkey gyros in Lebanese flatbread with Turkish yoghurt and rettich salad. Sounds pretty okay to me, even though I never had rettich before. So, see you tomorrow for another episode of my experiment.
Wednesday 15 April 2015
What next?
Yesterday I had my first job interview in almost 5 years. And this time, I thought I had a chance. The timing would have been perfect. I'll be graduating on 28 April and three days later, I would start my new job as a freshly graduated master in Theology. Today, I got the phone call: I was no longer being considered for the post. Words I've heard so many times in the past that I actually stopped caring. I didn't feel angry, sad or even disappointed. I didn't feel anything. When I was told that I had been unsuccessful, I just said 'OK'. After a rather awkard silence, she asked me if I wanted to know why. I had given up an asking for feedback a long time ago. The feedback was always the same: Someone else fitted the profile better. Anyways, now she offered to give me some feedback, I felt it would be rude to decline, so I accepted. She said that I met all the requirements for the job and that I was ideally located for the job, but others candidates were stronger in relating to groups of people at an informal level. People who know me know that I'm fine with one to one situations and speaking for large groups. Where I struggle with interaction with a group of people. It takes me so long to work out what I want to say in a group, that the discussion has moved on to the point where what I wanted to say doesn't add anything to the discussion anymore.
Many people have an irrational fear. Something they are so afraid of that it stops them from living their lives in a normal way. Many people are afraid of flying, even though they know it's by far the safest mode of transport. Others will start screaming when they see a spider or a mouse. I even know people who have a fear of buttons. I've always pride myself in having no irrational fears. Okay, I'm not keen on clowns, but they are just creepy. But now I begin to suspect that I might have an irrational fear. A fear that is affecting me so much that it stops me from reaching my potential. It's the fear of being wrong. Yes, I'm terrified of being wrong. That's why I'm not good in interacting in a group. I want to be absolutely, completely, 100%, beyond any doubt, sure that what I have to say is factually, morally, scientifically, etceterally, correct, before I say it. I find it very difficult when people say that I'm wrong. That's also why, and this is something that drives my colleagues at work crazy, I will rarely say something as a statement. When I have something to say, even if it's something I'm 99.9999999% sure about, I will almost always phrase it as a question. At least, when I'm wrong, I can at least hide behind the fact that I didn't make a fool of myself by confidently stating something that's blatantly wrong. But it also means that I can say things like 'so yesterday was Monday, so does that mean today is Tuesday?'. You know, just in case I slept for a very long time and missed a full day.
OK, I'm getting carried away now. Now another door has been closed, where do I go next? When I look around me, with people in my church, what often happens is that they try something, it doesn't work out and something else pops up and that does work out. God closes one door, and opens another door. My colleague was due to go to England for a year to do a course with 24-7 Prayer, when he was told the course had been cancelled. Shortly after that, I received a phone call, completely out of the blue, from a representative of the political party of which he is a member to ask him to stand for the city council elections of Eindhoven. Now he is a member of a key committee of the council and is having influence on what happens in the city. So here, God has clearly closed one door, and opened another one. With me, it feels more like God closes one door and closes the next, and the next. For the past three years, my ambition was to do a PhD and I was confident that it was going to happen. My current job, boring and frustating as it is most of time, did give me the financial means to finally study for an MA degree and meet the formal requirements to start a PhD. Little did I know that by now, universities have invented something called 'Research Masters'. These are usually two-year fulltime courses and it's there where universities usually look when recruiting people for funded PhD positions. I could still do a PhD with a regular MA degree, but it would most likely be as a self-funded external candidate. So, the door to staring my PhD straight after my MA was closed. Then I found a course in Leuven, called the Master of Advanced Studies. This was a post-master degree, especially for people who are aspiring to do academic research. So, I started to make some calculations. In Belgium the tuition fees are only about 600 euros a year, compared to about 1900 euros in The Netherlands. So if I could manage to choose my classes in a way that I can fit the whole programme in 2 days a week, and make sure I fill my car as much as possible in Belgium, I should be able to afford it. I applied and got an offer on the condition that I would pass my current MA degree. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, the writing of my thesis dragged on and on. I missed the deadline for the September 2014 start and then for the February 2015 start. Now I'm finally due to graduate soon, I was looking to apply to start in September, only to find out that they are cancelling the course. Instead, they've introduced a two-year full-time research master. So that door, which was open for a long time, was closed again. Then I saw this vacancy for an IFES student worker, working with international students in Eindhoven. Already living in Eindhoven and part of an international church, I was ideally situated for this job. I had the right qualifications and experience, so I applied for the job, was interviewed and as you know, was unsuccessful. The question remains, what next? The idea of doing my current job for the rest of my life does not exactly fill me with joy. I'm still dreaming of working in a church setting, even becoming a vicar. The IFES job would have been a good way to try things out. I wouldn't be the first IFES worker who ended up church ministry. Now I've missed the mark to be an IFES worker, does that mean that I definitely don't have what it takes to be in church ministry? Or does it just mean that it's not the right route for me?
It's back to square 1 for me now. Next week, I have an informal chat with OM about the possibility of going on a mission with them. Now, I'm not a missionary. The idea of going overseas to tell people about Jesus absolutely terrifies me. But still, because of things happening to me recently, I've started to think that maybe God's plan for me is not to be relying on my self to get what I need, but rather to trust on Him to provide me with what I need. So, that's why I started looking into the possibility of going on mission, even though the prospect of it terrifies me. It's going to be a big step of faith for me, in every aspect. I think I'll just be honest. I'm no good at missionary work, but I might be able to do something to support mission. Perhaps teaching their children, or something like that. Who knows? So far, God's plans for my life have been a complete and utter mystery to me. Maybe I've always been looking in the wrong direction. So, maybe I'll end up somewhere I never thought I would.
To be continued.... at some point.....
Many people have an irrational fear. Something they are so afraid of that it stops them from living their lives in a normal way. Many people are afraid of flying, even though they know it's by far the safest mode of transport. Others will start screaming when they see a spider or a mouse. I even know people who have a fear of buttons. I've always pride myself in having no irrational fears. Okay, I'm not keen on clowns, but they are just creepy. But now I begin to suspect that I might have an irrational fear. A fear that is affecting me so much that it stops me from reaching my potential. It's the fear of being wrong. Yes, I'm terrified of being wrong. That's why I'm not good in interacting in a group. I want to be absolutely, completely, 100%, beyond any doubt, sure that what I have to say is factually, morally, scientifically, etceterally, correct, before I say it. I find it very difficult when people say that I'm wrong. That's also why, and this is something that drives my colleagues at work crazy, I will rarely say something as a statement. When I have something to say, even if it's something I'm 99.9999999% sure about, I will almost always phrase it as a question. At least, when I'm wrong, I can at least hide behind the fact that I didn't make a fool of myself by confidently stating something that's blatantly wrong. But it also means that I can say things like 'so yesterday was Monday, so does that mean today is Tuesday?'. You know, just in case I slept for a very long time and missed a full day.
OK, I'm getting carried away now. Now another door has been closed, where do I go next? When I look around me, with people in my church, what often happens is that they try something, it doesn't work out and something else pops up and that does work out. God closes one door, and opens another door. My colleague was due to go to England for a year to do a course with 24-7 Prayer, when he was told the course had been cancelled. Shortly after that, I received a phone call, completely out of the blue, from a representative of the political party of which he is a member to ask him to stand for the city council elections of Eindhoven. Now he is a member of a key committee of the council and is having influence on what happens in the city. So here, God has clearly closed one door, and opened another one. With me, it feels more like God closes one door and closes the next, and the next. For the past three years, my ambition was to do a PhD and I was confident that it was going to happen. My current job, boring and frustating as it is most of time, did give me the financial means to finally study for an MA degree and meet the formal requirements to start a PhD. Little did I know that by now, universities have invented something called 'Research Masters'. These are usually two-year fulltime courses and it's there where universities usually look when recruiting people for funded PhD positions. I could still do a PhD with a regular MA degree, but it would most likely be as a self-funded external candidate. So, the door to staring my PhD straight after my MA was closed. Then I found a course in Leuven, called the Master of Advanced Studies. This was a post-master degree, especially for people who are aspiring to do academic research. So, I started to make some calculations. In Belgium the tuition fees are only about 600 euros a year, compared to about 1900 euros in The Netherlands. So if I could manage to choose my classes in a way that I can fit the whole programme in 2 days a week, and make sure I fill my car as much as possible in Belgium, I should be able to afford it. I applied and got an offer on the condition that I would pass my current MA degree. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, the writing of my thesis dragged on and on. I missed the deadline for the September 2014 start and then for the February 2015 start. Now I'm finally due to graduate soon, I was looking to apply to start in September, only to find out that they are cancelling the course. Instead, they've introduced a two-year full-time research master. So that door, which was open for a long time, was closed again. Then I saw this vacancy for an IFES student worker, working with international students in Eindhoven. Already living in Eindhoven and part of an international church, I was ideally situated for this job. I had the right qualifications and experience, so I applied for the job, was interviewed and as you know, was unsuccessful. The question remains, what next? The idea of doing my current job for the rest of my life does not exactly fill me with joy. I'm still dreaming of working in a church setting, even becoming a vicar. The IFES job would have been a good way to try things out. I wouldn't be the first IFES worker who ended up church ministry. Now I've missed the mark to be an IFES worker, does that mean that I definitely don't have what it takes to be in church ministry? Or does it just mean that it's not the right route for me?
It's back to square 1 for me now. Next week, I have an informal chat with OM about the possibility of going on a mission with them. Now, I'm not a missionary. The idea of going overseas to tell people about Jesus absolutely terrifies me. But still, because of things happening to me recently, I've started to think that maybe God's plan for me is not to be relying on my self to get what I need, but rather to trust on Him to provide me with what I need. So, that's why I started looking into the possibility of going on mission, even though the prospect of it terrifies me. It's going to be a big step of faith for me, in every aspect. I think I'll just be honest. I'm no good at missionary work, but I might be able to do something to support mission. Perhaps teaching their children, or something like that. Who knows? So far, God's plans for my life have been a complete and utter mystery to me. Maybe I've always been looking in the wrong direction. So, maybe I'll end up somewhere I never thought I would.
To be continued.... at some point.....
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