It's been a long while ago since I last blogged and I've thought long about whether I should write this blog. Let me start by saying that this post contains some very personal stuff about my life so if you're not interested, feel free to do something else. Anyways, let me start with explaining what led me to write this.
Last weekend I went to the first two days of a four-day training programma on counselling and inner healing with Lin Button, director of counselling at All Saints' in Woodford Wells. The first day was about what she called the five stepping stones to pastoral growth. It will take too long to mention them all here. Just google Lin Button and stepping stones and I'm sure you'll find them. The stepping stone that struck me most was what Lin Button called the sense of being or the wounds of the mother. It's about our sense of identity and this is related to how our mothers related to us in our early childhood, particularly in the first 3 years of our lives. I don't actually remember anything about those first 3 years, but what I do know is that I was a premature baby and spent the first two weeks in an incubator. As I said, I don't remember anything about that time, but apparently, an incubator is a traumatic experience for any baby at that stage. A baby is deprived from the connection with and the loving touch from the mother he so desperately needs. Such separations between mother and child can have a profound effect on someone's life and leave a sense of emptiness. This is what made me think and look back on my childhood. I feel a lot of emptiness in my life and I needed to explore this. I guess it's now time to get to the personal part.
Let me start by saying that I did not grow up in a broken or abusive family. My parents never divorced and stayed together until my father's death 19 years ago. They were not alcoholics and did not have debts. Materially, I never lacked anything during my childhood. I always had enough food to eat, a home to live in and toys to play with. Despite this, I did not have a happy childhood. As I look back on my childhood, I see that while my material and physical needs where met, my emotional and spiritual needs were not. I grew up in a home where children did not have rights, just duties. It was my duty to be a good son, to obey my parents and do chores. If I didn't meet their expectations, there would be consequences. My parents, even though they are not Christians, seem to have a keen love for Proverbs 13:24. I can say that the rod was used generously on me. This was not because I was a particularly badly behaved child, although of course I was naughty at times, but because my parents had very high expectations and when I didn't meet them, which was pretty much every day, the rod was taken out and I was made to bend over to receive my punishment. And it wasn't just when I was naughty but for anything that wasn't up to their standards, including things like forgetting to close the fridge door. In a healthy relationship between parent and child, there is a balance between affection and discipline. In my childhood, that balance was non-existent. All focus was on the discipline side. I know my parents loved me and they wanted to help me become a good person. The way they did it was by scaring me from doing wrong things. But what they failed to do was giving me the love and affection I needed to thrive in life. I think what the way I was brought up has achieved is that it kept me out of prison but it didn't help me become a contributing member of society. It just kept me out of trouble. I can't remember even one time my parents said to me: 'well done!' I do remember many times they told me 'you're completely useless!'. As a result, I never knew what I was good at but I knew what I wasn't good at. I knew I wasn't good at sports, arts and crafts, drawing, being the son they expected, science, etc. Even now, I still tend to identify myself by what I can't do. I can't find a good job, I can't find a girlfriend, I'm rubbish at anything that involves working with my hands, etc. Now I'm 36, I still feel like I'm a child who desperately needs the cuddles I never had as a child. I still need to be told over and over again by people that they love me and appreciate me. I still need to hear from people when I've done well in something. Often people see my need for affirmation as fishing for compliments, but I'm simply trying to fill the gap my upbringing has left.
This all led me to the question: Who am I really? As most of my friends now, for the last 2.5 years, I've been in a job where I'm deeply unhappy. Maybe it's because my job reminds me so much of my upbringing. Like my parents, my job meets my material needs. I get paid a decent wage which allows me to pay my bills and feed myself. But emotionally, there is nothing that excites me about my job. There is nothing about my job that makes me wake up in the morning and think 'yes! I'm so happy that I can go to work today!'. I just go because I need the money. Like in my childhood, in my job I am mainly judged ny what I do wrong. I'm never told if a customer is pleased with the way I pack the orders, but when I make a mistake, they will tell me about it. So, who am I really? What is my place in life? What is my role in this world? In wordly terms, I have absolutely no idea. I have tried so many things to make a contribution to society, but all have failed. I tried chemistry, teaching, ICT and nothing worked out. Now I'm a theologian and I'm good at it. But I can't find a job that fits. I tried to find a PhD place, but they are hard to come by. I considered and am still keen to go into church ministry, but attempts to get there have led to nothing. Maybe the way I was brought up and as a result the way I am now, make it very difficult for me to take up a position of responsibility in church. Because, if I don't even know what I'm good at, how can I encourage people in my church? So, who am I really?
Of course I know the answer. I'm a beloved child of God. That's a firm fact. It has nothing to do with the way I was brought up. It has nothing to do with what I have achieved in life. It has nothing to do with how I think or feel about myself. It has nothing to do with what others think about me. I am a child of God because He loves me. My identity is not in what I've done and achieved, but in what Jesus has done and achieved on the cross. In wordly terms, I might be a loser and a failure, but in Christ, I'm a child of the King. I know that this is the only truth that matters, but because of the way I was brought up, I still find this very hard to believe and often forget it. So, if you are a Christian, can I ask you to keep reminding me of this amazing truth, please? Thank you.
Friday 17 October 2014
Wednesday 1 January 2014
Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014!
It's just gone past midnight and it's 1 January 2014. So, I'd like to start this post by wishing you all a great 2014, full of God's blessing. As the fireworks is going off all around me and mobile networks are being tested to their limits, I'd like to look back on 2013 and reflect on how God has blessed me in the past year, and also look forward to the year ahead. So, let's start.
When I look back, I can see that God has blessed me in many ways. Often, it seems, in very trivial ways. In ways you wouldn't see it as a blessing at all, because it's just so normal. I have a place to live, I have food to eat, and that sort of things. I often forgot to thank God for these blessings. But I'd also like to highlight some of the bigger blessings this year.
First, my job. For this first time in my life, I started the year with a job and I finished the year with the same job. I realise that I am very fortunate to have a job, especially with an employer who is so accommodating to allow me to study part-time alongside it. It gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning and it gives me sense of dignity. I am no longer living on government help but am earning my money.
Then there is my Church: Trinity Church Eindhoven. I love my church family. I'm so glad to be part of a church, that loves Jesus and is so welcoming to people of all walks of life and all parts of the world. This year, I've joined a new cell group, after being part of the students/young adults cell group for the past couple of years. I felt I've outgrown the students/young adults cell group and needed to join a more general cell group. Now I'm part of a cell group of people between their early 20s and in their 50s, from recent graduates to senior professionals in their fields. It's a real blessing to be part of this group and I really enjoy the meetings. It's also been great making music with the worship team and to work together with the youth ministry. In September, a new youth group for 14-18 year olds started at our church, and I feel privileged that I can help out at their meetings occasionally. I'm really excited about this group and to see these young people grow and mature in their walk with God. I have no doubt that their youthful enthusiasm will be an example for me, as I hope to be able to be an example for them. Of course, I cannot finish this section without mentioning the Armstrongs. The Armstrongs are a family in the church who have been a real blessing to me. They've invited me for Sunday lunch and dinner many times and it's always been a huge blessing to be in their company. I love playing with the kids and after they've gone to bed, to spend time with the adults. So, I'd like to say: Thank you God for this church.
Next: University. I admit, I'm a weird person. I love university. Since I started my MA degree in 2012, I met some great people. One of them is a girl from the UK, who went to Lampeter and had lectures with some of the lecturers I had in Bangor. How cool is that? Anyways, unlike most people, I actually enjoy studying, reading books, doing revision, writing papers, etc. It love to be intellectually challenged and to learn new things. I always look forward to Wednesdays, when I have my lectures. But my lectures are now over. There is just one exam left and then it's time to work on my dissertation.
New Wine Europe. I finally got the chance to go the New Wine Europe this year and joined the youth team. Although it was completely out of my comfort zone, I had a great time there. On the one hand, I was there with my church and stayed with them on a campsite. On the other hand, I was part of the youth team and have met some great people there. It was such a blessing to be part of that team and to serve the teenagers there. I also really enjoyed giving a talk during one of the evenings. Although the talk was well prepared, I was quite nervous about it, especially when I got a very nasty stomach ache during the second night and decided to drive home at 4.30 in the morning to sleep in my own bed. Fortunately, I felt well enough to return to New Wine in the afternoon and didn't have any trouble for the rest of the week. I'm normally not a great speaker, but during the talk, I felt confident and was able to speak clearly throughout. Knowing myself, it can't have been my own achievement. God was there with me, as He was there during the whole week.
Quantock 3. For the past 5 years, with the exception of 2010, I've been helping out as a leader on a CYFA venture at Quantock Lodge in Somerset. It's been an amazing week and again, God has shown himself in great ways. One of the ways in which God was at work was when I was about to leave Reading motorway services on the M4, where I spent the night at the Travelodge, I filled up my car with petrol and found my debit card rejected and none of the cash machines accepting my card. As I was preparing to return to the petrol station to offer my services doing whatever job they would throw at me to pay for the petrol, I suddenly heard my name being called. As I turned around, I saw Karen who lend me money to pay the petrol. Camp itself was a great blessing. It was great to work together with Sam and Warren and the boys in my dorm group. It was great fun to play in the band properly for the first time. It was a great week, in which I've seen people giving their lives to Jesus or renewing their commitment to Him. As it is now, this was the last time I've been to Quantock 3. I now live in The Netherlands and I feel that's where God wants me at this point. I'll miss it, because I got to work with some great people.
So, that was 2013. Now it's time to look forward. What are my hopes and plans for this year? I think 2014 will be a year of changes and new opportunities. I hope to graduate from my masters this summer, so things are likely to change. I hope to do a PhD. I have an interesting topic but need to find funding to pursue it. I'm also considering doing an advanced masters degree in Leuven, Belgium, to gain more specific research skills, which could improve my chances to secure funding. If that fails, I can still look for real job or continue my current job and do my PhD research in my spare time.
Besides that, I have given myself a little project to work on. I want to write a book, primarily for the youth group at my church, in which I will cover issues that they, as Christians, face in their daily lives. I'm planning to write 1 chapter a month for the whole year, so 12 chapters. For now, I only have 2 chapters planned and hope to find inspiration for the remaining 10 chapters. If anyone has any suggestions for issues I can cover, I'm open to good ideas.
I'm planning to go back to New Wine again this summer and to join the youth team. I'm really looking forward to that again and to work with the people again.
In terms of church, I hope to continue what I'm doing now. Playing guitar in the worship team, leading the youth groups and being part of my cell group.
O yeah, before I forget: New year's resolutions. My main resolution is that I want to improve my relationship with God. I want to read the Bible more regularly and consistently and pray more. I also want to live healthier. I've decided to go back to the gym and eat healthier. In my case, this means less meat and more fruit and vegetables. I plan to restrict my meat consumption to no more than 3 times a week. I don't know how I'm going to do that, because I love meat and I don't really like vegetables. So, I need to find some good recipes for vegetarian meals.
Okay, it's 1.41 AM now, so it's probably time to wrap things up here. I'm off to bed and am going to enjoy a lovely lie-in in the morning. So, have a good night everybody and once again, best wishes for the coming year!
When I look back, I can see that God has blessed me in many ways. Often, it seems, in very trivial ways. In ways you wouldn't see it as a blessing at all, because it's just so normal. I have a place to live, I have food to eat, and that sort of things. I often forgot to thank God for these blessings. But I'd also like to highlight some of the bigger blessings this year.
First, my job. For this first time in my life, I started the year with a job and I finished the year with the same job. I realise that I am very fortunate to have a job, especially with an employer who is so accommodating to allow me to study part-time alongside it. It gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning and it gives me sense of dignity. I am no longer living on government help but am earning my money.
Then there is my Church: Trinity Church Eindhoven. I love my church family. I'm so glad to be part of a church, that loves Jesus and is so welcoming to people of all walks of life and all parts of the world. This year, I've joined a new cell group, after being part of the students/young adults cell group for the past couple of years. I felt I've outgrown the students/young adults cell group and needed to join a more general cell group. Now I'm part of a cell group of people between their early 20s and in their 50s, from recent graduates to senior professionals in their fields. It's a real blessing to be part of this group and I really enjoy the meetings. It's also been great making music with the worship team and to work together with the youth ministry. In September, a new youth group for 14-18 year olds started at our church, and I feel privileged that I can help out at their meetings occasionally. I'm really excited about this group and to see these young people grow and mature in their walk with God. I have no doubt that their youthful enthusiasm will be an example for me, as I hope to be able to be an example for them. Of course, I cannot finish this section without mentioning the Armstrongs. The Armstrongs are a family in the church who have been a real blessing to me. They've invited me for Sunday lunch and dinner many times and it's always been a huge blessing to be in their company. I love playing with the kids and after they've gone to bed, to spend time with the adults. So, I'd like to say: Thank you God for this church.
Next: University. I admit, I'm a weird person. I love university. Since I started my MA degree in 2012, I met some great people. One of them is a girl from the UK, who went to Lampeter and had lectures with some of the lecturers I had in Bangor. How cool is that? Anyways, unlike most people, I actually enjoy studying, reading books, doing revision, writing papers, etc. It love to be intellectually challenged and to learn new things. I always look forward to Wednesdays, when I have my lectures. But my lectures are now over. There is just one exam left and then it's time to work on my dissertation.
New Wine Europe. I finally got the chance to go the New Wine Europe this year and joined the youth team. Although it was completely out of my comfort zone, I had a great time there. On the one hand, I was there with my church and stayed with them on a campsite. On the other hand, I was part of the youth team and have met some great people there. It was such a blessing to be part of that team and to serve the teenagers there. I also really enjoyed giving a talk during one of the evenings. Although the talk was well prepared, I was quite nervous about it, especially when I got a very nasty stomach ache during the second night and decided to drive home at 4.30 in the morning to sleep in my own bed. Fortunately, I felt well enough to return to New Wine in the afternoon and didn't have any trouble for the rest of the week. I'm normally not a great speaker, but during the talk, I felt confident and was able to speak clearly throughout. Knowing myself, it can't have been my own achievement. God was there with me, as He was there during the whole week.
Quantock 3. For the past 5 years, with the exception of 2010, I've been helping out as a leader on a CYFA venture at Quantock Lodge in Somerset. It's been an amazing week and again, God has shown himself in great ways. One of the ways in which God was at work was when I was about to leave Reading motorway services on the M4, where I spent the night at the Travelodge, I filled up my car with petrol and found my debit card rejected and none of the cash machines accepting my card. As I was preparing to return to the petrol station to offer my services doing whatever job they would throw at me to pay for the petrol, I suddenly heard my name being called. As I turned around, I saw Karen who lend me money to pay the petrol. Camp itself was a great blessing. It was great to work together with Sam and Warren and the boys in my dorm group. It was great fun to play in the band properly for the first time. It was a great week, in which I've seen people giving their lives to Jesus or renewing their commitment to Him. As it is now, this was the last time I've been to Quantock 3. I now live in The Netherlands and I feel that's where God wants me at this point. I'll miss it, because I got to work with some great people.
So, that was 2013. Now it's time to look forward. What are my hopes and plans for this year? I think 2014 will be a year of changes and new opportunities. I hope to graduate from my masters this summer, so things are likely to change. I hope to do a PhD. I have an interesting topic but need to find funding to pursue it. I'm also considering doing an advanced masters degree in Leuven, Belgium, to gain more specific research skills, which could improve my chances to secure funding. If that fails, I can still look for real job or continue my current job and do my PhD research in my spare time.
Besides that, I have given myself a little project to work on. I want to write a book, primarily for the youth group at my church, in which I will cover issues that they, as Christians, face in their daily lives. I'm planning to write 1 chapter a month for the whole year, so 12 chapters. For now, I only have 2 chapters planned and hope to find inspiration for the remaining 10 chapters. If anyone has any suggestions for issues I can cover, I'm open to good ideas.
I'm planning to go back to New Wine again this summer and to join the youth team. I'm really looking forward to that again and to work with the people again.
In terms of church, I hope to continue what I'm doing now. Playing guitar in the worship team, leading the youth groups and being part of my cell group.
O yeah, before I forget: New year's resolutions. My main resolution is that I want to improve my relationship with God. I want to read the Bible more regularly and consistently and pray more. I also want to live healthier. I've decided to go back to the gym and eat healthier. In my case, this means less meat and more fruit and vegetables. I plan to restrict my meat consumption to no more than 3 times a week. I don't know how I'm going to do that, because I love meat and I don't really like vegetables. So, I need to find some good recipes for vegetarian meals.
Okay, it's 1.41 AM now, so it's probably time to wrap things up here. I'm off to bed and am going to enjoy a lovely lie-in in the morning. So, have a good night everybody and once again, best wishes for the coming year!
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