Thursday 22 December 2016

When reality kicks in...

Two weeks ago I returned from my 3 month stint with OM Ships in Florence, USA. I had an amazing time, learned loads about serving and mission, made friends for life and had the opportunity to do and experience things I wouldn't have if I hadn't gone there. But as time moves on and Florence is feels more and more like a distant memory, doubts start to rise within me.

Ever since I came back from Florence, my priority has been on finding a job as soon as possible. So far, I've applied for 8 different jobs and have been rejected for 7. I applied for number 8 this afternoon, so I'm waiting to hear back from them. My fear is that the longer it takes to find a job, the more difficult it will become, and as my money is slowly but steadily running out,  I'm afraid that I will end up in the same situation as a few years ago, when I couldn't pay my bills anymore, stopped answering phone calls because I knew they were from debt collectors trying to get their money, when I was a bitter person who felt sorry for himself and was convinced that the whole world was scheming against me, when I actually believed that God didn't care about me; that my prayers ended up on a pile labelled: 'stuff I'll get to when I have nothing else to do', when my only sources of happiness were food and pornography. With God's help and with help of great friends, I've come a long way since then and I'm desperate not to become that person again. But there's a real fear that that may happen.

When I decided to come to Florence, I had to give up my job without a guarantee that I would get it back when I returned. Now I'm back, it turns out that there is no place for me anymore. And as the weeks go by and rejections continue coming in, I start to wonder whether it was a mistake to leave a secure and well paid job to volunteer with OM Ships Florence. At the time it felt like it was the right thing to do. I felt trapped in my job, which although secure and well paid, didn't get my anywhere and I felt that I would probably be trapped in that job for the rest of my life. From April 2015 when I first got in touch with OM in The Netherlands, I felt that I was finally on to something. When a few months later, I decided to accept the offer to serve in Florence, everything went so smoothly. During one of my devotion times, when I was praying for God's guidance, He gave me what I believed to be a clear sign to go. This was further confirmed by, when I informed my church and others about it, everybody was really positive and encouraging about it, and financial support from the most surprising places came flooding in. I was really convinced that OM Ships Florence was the place where God wanted me to go. I guess one of the mistakes I've made is that instead of letting God do his work, I started to project my own ideas on what His plans might be. Why is sending me all the way to the US? I knew the work I was going to do there wasn't going to be very exciting, so it can't be that. One of the things I was hoping for that perhaps I would meet my future wife there. I know this is just silly, as OM's Social Policy doesn't even allow me to start a romantic relationship while I'm in my first year of service with them, but hey, I could still be friends with them and maybe after I go back to The Netherlands, we can keep in touch, develop our friendship further and maybe it will lead to something more special. And I have to admit that I have met one lovely godly young woman that I would love to develop a deeper friendship with, in the hope that a romantic relationship would be possible, but I didn't get any signs that this was mutual. OK, maybe that was because I didn't really made it obvious that she had my attention. Also, I'm very bad at reading these sort of signs. I know, I'm still a wuss when it comes to that. I was so afraid that she would freak out so I thought it would be safer not to let her know. But okay, I'm getting off track now.

Anyways, what did happen during my time in Florence was that I felt a strong calling to the ship, the Logos Hope. This was surprising as the ship was just about the only OM field I didn't want to go to. I didn't like the idea of living in a limited space with 400 others, with nowhere to go when you need some time out, for 2 years. But as I was working in a place that is all about the ship, and working with people who have served on the ship, I felt God was changing my heart and made me willing to join the ship. Earlier this week, I had a good chat with my OM Netherlands contacts and we are now getting the process started that will hopefully lead me to the ship either in September 2017 or February 2018. But that is still 9 months away from now and I need to get a job to pay my bills. And the longer it takes to get a job, I fear that I will fall back in bad and destructive habits of eating too much and watching porn again. I know that the only thing I can do to prevent this is to stay close to God. One thing that I have learned during my previous time of unemployment, and my struggles with pornography and other sinful behaviour was that I had to turn to God to deal with my sins. I have always felt that I had to deal with my sins first, before I was good enough to turn to God, but now I've learned that without God, I didn't have a hope in the world to deal with my sins. And now, more than ever, I need to stay close to God, if I don't want to fall back into that lifestyle again. Florence was a great time. I came home feeling positive about my chances on the job market. I was excited to work towards going on the ship. I feel spiritually energised and I feel I've grown in my faith and relationship with God. I'm much more intentional about my relationship with God, and enjoy spending time with Him. But through all this, I feel the need to work, to do something useful and to earn my living. God created us for work. Work is a blessing of creation (if you don't believe me, go and read the creation account in Genesis and you'll see that God told Adam to work, and that was before the fall). So sitting at home looking for work gives me a feeling of emptiness. So my prayer is that God will open up doors for me to work. Will you pray with me?