A morning at the hospital

It's been a while when I was last in a hospital as a patient. I believe it was in Brighton just after I came back with a shoulder injury I incurred at a Christian youth camp about 8 years ago. I'm not a big fan of hospitals so when I had to go again today, I wasn't very excited.

For a week now, I've had a painful spot on my back. First it looked like a mosquito bite. It itched and the annoying thing was that it was right there where the top edge of the trousers is. The constant rubbing was very painful. I covered it up to relieve the friction and even bought a pair of sweatpants, so I had something to wear that was more comfortable, and expected it too disappear. It didn't. Instead, yesterday I noticed a red/brown liquid flowing out of it and then I decided it might be good idea to see a doctor about this. I made an appointment using my GP practice's appointments tool on their website, I made an appointment for this morning as early as possible. That way, I could see the GP, get the necessary treatment and head to work for 12 pm. When the GP called me in and saw the spot, he was properly impressed and immediately said this was something that needed to be treated at a hospital and may involve surgery. He cleaned the wound and called the hospital in Veldhoven to ask whether I should go to the A&E or the main hospital. In the end, I was sent to the A&E. The GP warned me that I might have to go under general anaesthetics so I shouldn't eat or drink anything from now on. Great! I haven't had my breakfast yet and now I'm told I can't eat anything. With that, I went back home, made some phone calls to arrange transport, packed a bag with a change of clothes in case I needed to stay overnight and made my way to the A&E of Maxima Medical Centre in Veldhoven, a 10 minute bus ride my where I live.

When I arrived at the hospital, I checked in, was given a wristband with my name and date of birth on it - I almost felt like I was at a festival, - and took my place in the waiting room. First I was called my a nurse, who took my temperature, bloodpressure and heartbeat and asked me to explain why I was here. Then an A&E doctor came in and asked me what happened and asked me to show the wound. He looked at it, and poked at it, like doctors usually do. He took a picture of it and went of to show it to a colleague. When he came back, he showed me the photo he took. It was the first time I saw the wound. It didn't look pretty. It looked like an open crater with lots of nasty stuff in it. No surprise that it didn't feel good. Anyways, he explained that it was a pressure ulcer which has gone open and the infection has started to spread. He said they needed to make an echo to determine how deep the infection has spread and whether it could be treated with a course of antibiotics or whether it needed surgical treatment. I was brought to the radiology department where I was welcomed by two, I have to say, very attractive young ladies. The asked me what happened and then the radiologist came in and did his thing, of course after he asked me what happened. Come on! to how many people to I have to explain what happened? After the echo, I was escorted back to the A&E by another nurse, who of course asked me what happened. Back in room 3 of A&E, I was now waiting for the results of the echo. That took quite a while but in the end, a different doctor came in and I had to tell the whole story again. He too, asked me to show the wound and started poking at it. He was poking it considerably harder than the first doctor and he was actually hurting me. Then he said he was going to get some stuff and off he went. A few minutes later, he came back with a bowl, a surgical drape and other scary looking stuff, and I thought "oh no, this is going to hurt". He said he was going to cut away the infected tissue. I asked him whether would get any anaesthetics, but he said that wasn't needed as the wound was already open it was all dead tissue anyways. Okay, whatever. I didn't like it but he says it. He did spray for cooling spray on it, to numb the skin and started to cut away the stuff. The scariest thing about this is not that you don't know what's happening. The pain wasn't too bad, but I was actually not focused on the pain at the moment, but more preparing my self for the pain that might be coming. At one point he told me to take a deep breath. So, I took a deep breath and braced myself for what I expected to be the worst pain I will have in a very long time. That didn't come and then he said he was done. He explained that the wound would be cleaned and an absorbing bandage would be put on it and off he went. Quite a while later, another nurse came in and I had to tell the whole story again. He was the one cleaning the wound, put the bandage on and sent me off home again.

Before I went home, I was given instructions to clean the wound twice a day by rinsing it with a showerhead. That's what I just did and it's actually the most painful of the treatment. The sticking plaster they used is so sticky that it almost felt like I was ripping my skin off to get it off. It flippin hurts! Anyways, tomorrow I might try taking it off after wetting it first so it comes off easier. I rinsed the wound as directed and prepared the bandage. However, as the wound is on my back and I can't see it directly, getting the bandage in the right is a challenge. But God be praised that we live in a time where we have smartphones with cameras with selfie mode so I could see what I was doing. So with my smartphone in one hand and the bandage in the other, I tried to put the bandage on as well as I could. Knowing how much it hurts to take it off, I wanted to make really sure that I would accidentally put the sticking plaster over the wound itself. I hope I didn't and it doesn't look like I did, judging the picture I took from it. So, that was my morning at the hospital. Until next time.....

Next steps with OM

Today was kind of a big day for me. I had my second interview with OM Netherlands since I returned from Florence 3 months ago now, to talk about serving for a longer term with OM. While I was in Florence, I felt God's call to serve Him on the Logos Hope, and contacted OM Netherlands to talk about my options.

During my first interview December last year, we talked about my experiences in Florence, and the way it helped me to grow as a Christian. From there, we set the whole process in motion, and now I'm here. Before I share the outcome of today's interview, let's go back one month. As part of the application process, all candidates for long term missions are required to do a psychological assessment, and I had to do mine last month. The recommendation from that assessment was that although I had grown spiritually and emotionally during the last year and during my time in Florence, she believed that the Logos Hope may not be the right place for me and that a land based mission field would be more suitable. I would struggle to cope with the lack of privacy and board the ship, and living with 400+ people in a limited space would be very challenging for an introvert like I am. She believed a mission field on land with a strong supportive community would be more appropriate. Secretly, I was relieved to hear this, as these were the very reasons that I was initially unwilling to serve on the Logos Hope. I was also happy to hear that unlike last time, she saw the potential for me to go into the mission field. Secretly, I was hoping that maybe this time OM Lifehope would be back on the map again, or maybe even a return to Florence in some capacity. I had an amazing time there and I would love to serve there for a longer period. So with these things in mind, I went to the interview at the OM Netherlands HQ in Emmeloord.

It was my first time at the HQ. My previous interviews had been in their second office, first in Amersfoort and the last one in Hilversum. A nice touch this time was that I was welcomed with a personal message on the electronic notice board. The interview was with my long term contact and someone from OM's member care team, who will be my OM Netherlands support person while I'm in the field. We talked about my application, the references people have given about me and the psychological assessment. Where I was secretly hoping that the ship was off the radar now and hoping to be sent to either OM Lifehope or back to Florence, that was not what they had in mind for me. I would have loved to go back to Florence, but this would of course be a soft option. It would be too comfortable to go back to a place where I already know the people, have made friends and where I'm not required to really engage in frontline mission. In Florence, I would likely be in a supporting role, something that I'm quite happy to do and am quite comfortable with. But comfortable is rarely what we need to grow, and God's plan for my life is obviously not for me to hang around in my comfort zone, but to be challenged and learn and grow. Well, I guess OM Netherlands have found something that will really challenge me.

First, the ship is still very much on the radar and the idea is that I will eventually end up on the ship. But OM also believes that it would be good for me to receive some extra training in preparation for my time in board. So there proposal for me to consider and pray about is that before boarding the Logos Hope I would participate in OM South Africa's Mission Discipleship Training (MDT) for 5.5 months, before joining the Logos Hope for 18 months. The MDT is a programme specifically designed to train, prepare and equip people for the mission field. It involves living in a cross-cultural community, theological training, practical work and outreaches. I've read the information about the programme and the first impression I got was: Flipping heck! This is intensive! Compared to Florence, the regime at the MDT is much stricter. In Florence, I was relatively free in what I could do in my free time, of course within reasonable limits and as long as I didn't do anything that would put OM and its witness in a bad light. I could go to whatever church I wanted to go to, I was free to leave Florence and visit other places if I wanted to, etc. In South Africa, I don't think that will be the case. It seems to be very disciplined there. I won't be allowed to leave the base on my own. I only have 4 weekends off during my time there and one week's holiday. There are fairly strict dress codes for outreaches and church visits and of course OM's social policy is strictly enforced. I know these rules are there to keep me safe and to help me focus on being a missionary, but it all sounds a bit overwhelming to me. But then, these are common rules in the mission field and the rules on board the Logos Hope are not much less strict, probably even stricter than at the MDT.

So, there you have it. It's a lot to think and pray about. Do I really want this? It would mean giving up my comfortable life as I know it and exchange it for at least 2 years in the mission field, without having a place to come back to. I could easily carry on with my life here in Eindhoven, staying at my church and at my job and if I decided to do that, I believe God can use me here as well, but it wouldn't really challenge me. Moving to South Africa and taking part in the MDT will take me way out of my comfort zone and will really challenge me in many aspects. And although I will give it some time, in my heart I have already made a decision and it is still the same as when I felt God's call to the Logos Hope. As long as God keeps on opening doors for me, I will walk through them until I come to a closed door. So, as it stands now, I will go and face the challenge. We've agreed that a September start would be too early in terms of raising support and preparations, so we decided that if I decide to do this and if I'm accepted, I will start in February 2018 with the MDT in South Africa and board the Logos Hope with the September 2018 intake. As always, I would greatly appreciate your prayers in this time of discernment.

Prayer answered..... but maybe not in the way I expected.

I always thought that if only I would have a meaningful job, which makes a real difference to people's lives, then I would be happy. For years, I have been praying for such a job. And of course, I had my own ideas about what such a job would involve. I hoped that such a job would involve some pastoral work, listening to people and encouraging them with biblical counselling. Teaching the Bible to young people and discipling them. I was hoping to become a youth leader, worship leader, small group leader, school teacher.  I thought it would involve writing edifying articles in Christian magazines and writing Bible studies that would appear in devotionals. I applied for jobs with the civil service in both The Netherlands and the UK. That was what I had in mind when I was praying for that meaningful job that would make a real difference to people's lives.

Well.... since 2 weeks, I have a job. And I have to say, it's the most boring and repetitive job I've had since my holiday job in a powder coating facility, where I spent all day hanging up metal frames on a hook. But, boring and repetitive as it is, there's really no denying that it is a meaningful job and it does make a difference to people's lives. I work for a central pharmacy and my main job is to stick prescription labels on medication. That means that it's very important that I stick the correct label on the correct medication. I don't even want to think about what could happen if the wrong label gets stuck on the wrong medicines. People could get seriously ill, or even die as a result. And through the barcodes on the label, it's very easy to find out who's fault it was. So yeah, I finally have the meaningful job I wanted so badly. It's just not quite what I expected though. Who says God doesn't have a sense humour?

What do I really want?

When I posted my last blogpost, I received a lot of comments on it. One of the comments came from my vicar and said: "When winds blow against us or don't blow when we need them its time to hear Jesus ask: 'What do YOU (really) want?' and to set your face to that." It's a similar question to one I was asked before by one of my work colleagues at my old job. What is my dream job? What, if I'm not hindered by anything whether it's my financial situation, my lack of ability, giftings, talents, age, education, training or anything else, what job or sort of job would be my ideal? It's a question I never really dared to answer, when I've been asked. The main reason for this is because I'm always afraid that people will laugh will me or don't take it seriously: 'Seriously? That will never happen. That's way beyond your ability, You're too shy, you're socially not able enough, forget it'. I'm scared to share my dreams with other people, because I'm afraid to be rejected. 

But now a new year has started, I think it's a good time to start again. Now, I want to take the challenge head on and answer the question, what do I really want. What is my dream job, or if there's no job title for it, what would my ideal job involve? The general answer is that I want to make a real and positive difference in people's lives.

My dream job, and I say again that this is regardless of what I can or can't do in terms of ability, training, skills, etc, would be a combination of pastoral care, discipling and teaching. I have always wanted to work with small groups of people, helping them to grow in their relationship with God. I've always wanted to be the sort of person people turn to if they need someone to talk to, or just someone who listens to them and just be there for them. I want to teach the Bible to people. I want to encourage people to live for Christ, to be involved in the church. So, I guess it comes down to that my dream job is to be a some sort of pastor. I don't really have the ambition to be a lead pastor, but I would be very happy in an assisting role, like a youth pastor, worship pastor or something similar to that. Any role that will give me the opportunity to get alongside people, disciple them, help them grow as Christians and teach God's Word. So, there you have it. That is what I really want.