It's been a long while ago since I last blogged and I've thought long about whether I should write this blog. Let me start by saying that this post contains some very personal stuff about my life so if you're not interested, feel free to do something else. Anyways, let me start with explaining what led me to write this.
Last weekend I went to the first two days of a four-day training programma on counselling and inner healing with Lin Button, director of counselling at All Saints' in Woodford Wells. The first day was about what she called the five stepping stones to pastoral growth. It will take too long to mention them all here. Just google Lin Button and stepping stones and I'm sure you'll find them. The stepping stone that struck me most was what Lin Button called the sense of being or the wounds of the mother. It's about our sense of identity and this is related to how our mothers related to us in our early childhood, particularly in the first 3 years of our lives. I don't actually remember anything about those first 3 years, but what I do know is that I was a premature baby and spent the first two weeks in an incubator. As I said, I don't remember anything about that time, but apparently, an incubator is a traumatic experience for any baby at that stage. A baby is deprived from the connection with and the loving touch from the mother he so desperately needs. Such separations between mother and child can have a profound effect on someone's life and leave a sense of emptiness. This is what made me think and look back on my childhood. I feel a lot of emptiness in my life and I needed to explore this. I guess it's now time to get to the personal part.
Let me start by saying that I did not grow up in a broken or abusive family. My parents never divorced and stayed together until my father's death 19 years ago. They were not alcoholics and did not have debts. Materially, I never lacked anything during my childhood. I always had enough food to eat, a home to live in and toys to play with. Despite this, I did not have a happy childhood. As I look back on my childhood, I see that while my material and physical needs where met, my emotional and spiritual needs were not. I grew up in a home where children did not have rights, just duties. It was my duty to be a good son, to obey my parents and do chores. If I didn't meet their expectations, there would be consequences. My parents, even though they are not Christians, seem to have a keen love for Proverbs 13:24. I can say that the rod was used generously on me. This was not because I was a particularly badly behaved child, although of course I was naughty at times, but because my parents had very high expectations and when I didn't meet them, which was pretty much every day, the rod was taken out and I was made to bend over to receive my punishment. And it wasn't just when I was naughty but for anything that wasn't up to their standards, including things like forgetting to close the fridge door. In a healthy relationship between parent and child, there is a balance between affection and discipline. In my childhood, that balance was non-existent. All focus was on the discipline side. I know my parents loved me and they wanted to help me become a good person. The way they did it was by scaring me from doing wrong things. But what they failed to do was giving me the love and affection I needed to thrive in life. I think what the way I was brought up has achieved is that it kept me out of prison but it didn't help me become a contributing member of society. It just kept me out of trouble. I can't remember even one time my parents said to me: 'well done!' I do remember many times they told me 'you're completely useless!'. As a result, I never knew what I was good at but I knew what I wasn't good at. I knew I wasn't good at sports, arts and crafts, drawing, being the son they expected, science, etc. Even now, I still tend to identify myself by what I can't do. I can't find a good job, I can't find a girlfriend, I'm rubbish at anything that involves working with my hands, etc. Now I'm 36, I still feel like I'm a child who desperately needs the cuddles I never had as a child. I still need to be told over and over again by people that they love me and appreciate me. I still need to hear from people when I've done well in something. Often people see my need for affirmation as fishing for compliments, but I'm simply trying to fill the gap my upbringing has left.
This all led me to the question: Who am I really? As most of my friends now, for the last 2.5 years, I've been in a job where I'm deeply unhappy. Maybe it's because my job reminds me so much of my upbringing. Like my parents, my job meets my material needs. I get paid a decent wage which allows me to pay my bills and feed myself. But emotionally, there is nothing that excites me about my job. There is nothing about my job that makes me wake up in the morning and think 'yes! I'm so happy that I can go to work today!'. I just go because I need the money. Like in my childhood, in my job I am mainly judged ny what I do wrong. I'm never told if a customer is pleased with the way I pack the orders, but when I make a mistake, they will tell me about it. So, who am I really? What is my place in life? What is my role in this world? In wordly terms, I have absolutely no idea. I have tried so many things to make a contribution to society, but all have failed. I tried chemistry, teaching, ICT and nothing worked out. Now I'm a theologian and I'm good at it. But I can't find a job that fits. I tried to find a PhD place, but they are hard to come by. I considered and am still keen to go into church ministry, but attempts to get there have led to nothing. Maybe the way I was brought up and as a result the way I am now, make it very difficult for me to take up a position of responsibility in church. Because, if I don't even know what I'm good at, how can I encourage people in my church? So, who am I really?
Of course I know the answer. I'm a beloved child of God. That's a firm fact. It has nothing to do with the way I was brought up. It has nothing to do with what I have achieved in life. It has nothing to do with how I think or feel about myself. It has nothing to do with what others think about me. I am a child of God because He loves me. My identity is not in what I've done and achieved, but in what Jesus has done and achieved on the cross. In wordly terms, I might be a loser and a failure, but in Christ, I'm a child of the King. I know that this is the only truth that matters, but because of the way I was brought up, I still find this very hard to believe and often forget it. So, if you are a Christian, can I ask you to keep reminding me of this amazing truth, please? Thank you.
